Finding a Sperm Donor- How to Choose a Sperm Donor (UK, USA, Australia, Canada, New Zealand)

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Choosing a Sperm Donor for Legal Free Sperm Donations in the UK, USA or Australia

 

Modern parenting is changing with single women, lesbian and infertile couples now looking more openly for assistance getting pregnant using a sperm donor. There are more choices for all, with sperm donor connections sites springing up all over the internet- raising concerns about which to use and which to avoid. Within this article we offer the top ten considerations when choosing a sperm donor for a private legal arrangement. These will help you to reduce the risks - both short and long term.

1/ Find a moderated web site- rather than respond to open messages on 'free forums'. You have no protection on these open forums- and your information (email, personal details) may be used in ways you had not previously considered.
If you do want to post on an open forum create an email just for this purpose and do not share too much personal information. Be very careful when men respond- these email messages are often targeted by Nigerian type scam artists- or men looking for free sex (often called 'NI' in the industry)
In a moderated member's area there is some sense of responsibility to protect members- and IPs can be recorded- and messages sent without the sharing of personal emails. Remember that you generally get what you pay for. So if you don't want to pay anything, be prepared to have to correspond with many frogs- the majority of which want more than just a kiss.

2/ When you are looking at sperm donor connections sites that have a moderated 'members only' area (recommended) read through at least the home page carefully. 'Google' the site to read comments and stories- however take many negative comments on social forums with a pinch of salt. Some do have an agenda and may not be completely accurate - or relevant to your situation.
Pay attention to your gut instincts about the site - consider if the 'ethos' of the site matches what you are looking for.

3/ Email the site creator/ moderator with your questions and see how personal a response you receive and how long they take to reply. Is this someone likely to support you and answer your questions comprehensively?

4/ Choose a sperm donation connections site that encourages (and ideally only permits) AI donations. this means the donor will ejaculate and hand over fresh sperm in a sterile container than can then be inseminated using a syringe, in private.
If the site does not permit NI sperm donations at all this indicates the majority of donors registered are not looking for free unprotected sex. Of course there are always men who will still try- and this is why there should be a clear behaviour code and those in breach of it can be reported and removed.
Men who are donating through AI only- for free- tend to be genuinely interested in helping altruistically- and have considered the bigger picture. They generally want to make sure the intention is clear (any family law solicitor will recommend this should things get ugly legally) and that all parties reduce the risks of spreading STDs and HIV.

5/ Carefully word your profile and choose photos that cannot be seen by non registered members- ie that cannot be seen by your boss doing a google search. Consider what the genuine donors might be looking for; a stable secure home for the child born using their sperm, parent/s who are likely to raise the child with similar values, parent/s who are emotionally and financially stable, parent/s how have a good support network, parents who want to be able to share information with the child early on and be honest about their conception etc. Make sure you let potential donors know what your thoughts are regarding what happens AFTER the birth. You may be looking for a co-parent or a sperm who will be happy to meet the child if this is what the child wants. Do not use a donor who wishes to remain 'anonymous' - if the child's needs is your priority. This is not something many children would choose.
Remember that photos are to show your lifestyle and personality as a parent- this isn't a dating site.

6/ Take your time choosing the 'right' sperm donor- according to your child's potential wants and needs rather than you own. Find out how many recipients he has donated to- and how many pregnancies resulted- and what relationship he has with them now. Find out how many he intends to donate to in the future. Certain health issues run in the family so ask about his extended family history also.
Keep in mind that this is not just a sperm producer- this is the biological father of your child for life, regardless of whether or not he is actively involved as a parent. His genes will be passed onto your child so make sure you check that you are compatible regarding producing a health baby together. Choose someone your child is likely to feel proud to know as the 'donor dad' - and assume that your child will want to know a lot about him- and may even want to involved him in his or her life. Keep your options open- so that you can offer your child what they want. You can't know this- and this will change at various stages of the child's life- so choose a donor wisely. Someone who is open to changing the arrangement and relationship as the child develops. Put your arrangement on paper - but keep an open mind and open heart- according to what your child wants and needs later on. All are different. Your child will not love you any less for creating this opportunity- infact they will no doubt love and respect you more!
Choose a donor who will remain in at least email contact- and who will complete a document such as a sperm 'Donor Dad Questionnaire' - answering personal questions such as their favourite foods, what pets they have, their proudest moment etc. Ideally choose a donor who wants at least yearly updates- and who would want to send a Christmas and birthday card. If single or a lesbian couple consider choosing a sperm donor who can meet the child at least once per year so that the child knows what he looks like- and can be clearer about their biological origins. The people raising the child- soothing 'boo-boos', cheering at soccer games etc' are the people who will influence them throughout life however their genetics matter. They should also matter to your chosen donor. Your child will certainly want to be able to describe their 'donor dad' in the playground, and be able to answer questions.

7/ Correspond securely until you feel ready to chat outside of the secure members' area. Remember that this man is offering the gift of life- and as such remain humble and caring, developing a positive relationship from day 1. if you honour the man who might become the biological father of your child you are likely to reduce emotional difficulties later in life, and pave the way to positive relationships. Your child will not only have a biological father- but a biological extended family. Ask questions therefore about your donor's family- and also about his family's medical history.

8/ Meet and chat to your potential donor in person- again thinking about your child and their perception of this man. Make sure your initial gut feelings are still positive. Allow the donor to also 'grill' you - they should be concerned about your ability to parent well. If not, is this really the right donor for you?

9/ Share information with your donor about how you are tracking your ovulation and what the arrangement will be regarding meeting up to collect fresh sperm. This must be done in person- you must know it is from him- and he must know only you are to be inseminating the sperm. Do not begin without seeing STD and HIV test results- ideally your donor will have these every 6 to 8 weeks.
If a web site fa ciliates the shipping of fresh sperm try to choose another site. Site owners know that shipping fresh sperm is highly risky; how can you know it is sperm, that it is viable sperm- or even that it is the sperm of your chosen donor? The sperm donor could be of a different ethnicity completely. Although there are transportation devices that can keep sperm fresh for longer than the 90 minutes (max) that is generally recommended it is not worth the risk unless you are using someone you know and trust 100%. So if you have used a sperm donor connection site the donor will not be someone you know well enough.
Make sure you and your donor are in agreement regarding any expenses and that these are legitimate. If a sperm donor asks for money for his time this is in effect privately selling sperm- which is illegal in most countries.

10/ You are ready to begin the actual process of self-insemination! If however at any time you become unsure - or your gut feeling is that perhaps this is not 'right' for you, then stop and at least think about your decision for a while. A genuine donor will understand this and appreciate your honesty.
Remember that your donor has a life and cannot drop everything to suddenly rush to donate. So track your cycle carefully so that you can more accurately predict when he will be needed- and make all of the necessary arrangements. Do not meet at your home for safety reasons.
When you meet up to collect the fresh sperm keep it simple and impersonal- and afterwards keep your donor updated with progress. Carefully consider the legal implications of what is included on the birth certificate. You must weigh up the right for your child to have an accurate record of his birth and biological origins with the legal requirements demanded of biological parents in your country- should the courts become involved. At all times however the courts will look at the best interests of the child - as should you.

Using a private 'free sperm donor' can offer more benefits than using a sperm donor from a bank- especially with regards to the resulting children, and their right to have information about their genetic origins. The main advantage of using sperm from a licenced clinic is that it has been tested, frozen and quarantined and that the arrangement is recognised by law.

Emma Hartnell-Baker BEd Hons. MA. Cert Life Coaching
aka The Child Listener™
Creator of DIY Baby™ - www.Free-Sperm-Donations.com
'Great parenting includes offering your child the best opportunity to form a positive (and accurate) self-identity."


The Child Listener™ - Emma Hartnell-Baker - is an advocator of children's right to know where they come from, and promotes modern parenting arrangements that allow children to not only know of their origins but also develop relationships with those who are genetically linked. She believes that parenting is the most important factor regarding a child's development however urges parents of donor conceived children to honour their biological 'roots'.

http://www.ChildrenDeservetoKnow.com